by Fergal Gleeson

The 100 point scoring system favoured in the US and Australia seems a little too complicated for appreciating wine juice so I score wines from 0-5.

To understand this complicated scoring system you need to know that a 5 Star Rated Wine is a wine that evokes a spiritual experience like gazing into the eyes of the Pontiff or Scarlett Johannsson (or both if you’re all at the same retreat).

A 0 Star Rated Wine is a noxious liquid produced by a winemaker without a tongue and is best avoided.